Unbeknownst to me, my body has decided to go on a sleep strike. Of all things. Sleep. Why not hunger. I could stand to lose the weight. But nooooo, sleep. Since a little before Memorial Day I've been trying to sleep. I got a couple days in, but I'm back to no sleep again. And yeah, I know, happy happy joy joy and all that bullshit.
Guess what, today I'm going to be a bitch and today I'm going to bitch about it because damnit, I want my sleep back. It's not even just being tired anymore. I now have the lovely buzzy electrical, thousand racing thoughts in my head, aching, twitching never getting comfortable no sleep pissing me off side effect of fibromyalgia. This buzzing sensation is so odd. It's like there are bees in me. And not in the cool Homer Simpson way either. I don't shoot them out when I talk so when I talk bees attack people. No, this is just buzzing around humming inside every cell. It's the creepiest feeling by far that I've encountered.
Forget about reading too. I either read a few pages and forget what I've read (which is VERY unlike me) or I can't get comfortable enough to read. I can't do anything with flower arranging because this buzzing humming has made my fingers near useless. As hard as I've tried arranging by mouth, people don't appreciate slobbered on arrangements. As much as you try, you can't sell them on the 'it's not slobber, it's dew' theory. So I've spent way too much time this week on the internet. I now play more games on Facebook than I care to that I know will involve way more time than I'd like to spend. Words and pictures just pass by my eyes online, the tv, books and magazines and they don't connect in my brain.
I know that when the weather gets better and it isn't storming or threatening to storm every day that I'll get some relief. But fuck, why can't it be now? I have thoughts in my head and I want to get them out but they stick there. I write and it doesn't sound right, not like me. I know, then don't write, but here's where I'm really stressing myself out. I haven't talked to my dad since last August. Among the bazillion other things that have happened since last summer until now; I made the choice to temporarily cut my dad out of my life.
We don't have the closest relationship to start with. But last summer, I really felt like my life was crashing down around me. And adding the stress of the holidays (stressful because I always have expectations of good holidays with him and the ever present dissapointment because I realize that my father is ultimately a stranger) I just had to cut something out and compartmentalize the things in my life that were crashing around me. So the Dad/Step-Family box has been in storage 5 miles away and out of my sight.
With father's day approaching and the looming fact that I at least owe my dad some kind of explanation of what is going on in my life, I know I have to get in contact with him somehow. The most passive way for me was to write him a letter. So what to say, 16 years of hurt and dissapointment have been buzzing around with the bees. These words are just floating around, fragmented and confused and I don't know how to put them together but I know that I have to.
I know that once I sleep I know that it will all come together. Will it magically make everything ok between my dad and I? I'm not getting my hopes up. It'll be done, I'll have said my peace and will know that was all I could do. If I could only read and relax and rid the buzzing humming tension and get a few days of good sleep, my mind will be so much better. I'll be able to focus on the good instead of the bad. So bear with me if it takes a post or two or three to get this shit out of my system.
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