Travel Drama

I'm leaving tomorrow for Key West. I'm really looking forward to the trip and to sun and warm weather. However, I have a raging panic attack that's been here for the last three days. I haven't always been a good flyer. Planes used to scare the crap out of me. In 2007 I was forced to overcome my fear when my job required travel to Texas and Germany and a family trip to Jamaica all occurred within a little over one month.

Since then I have enjoyed travel and flying. Until March of this year. I went on a cruise for my birthday. The cruise itself was fine. The flight home was what terrifying. The east coast was being hammered by storms the day we flew home. In the airport, we sat and watched as flight after flight was delayed. Our flight was not.

The start of the flight home was great, rather unremarkable. But as we got closer to LaGuardia airport we hit terrible turbulence. The plane was shaken left, right, up and down. The winds were so strong that you could feel the plane being pushed backwards. We circled the airport for what felt like an eternity (at least an hour) in this awful turbulence. The plane sounded like it was going to come apart at the scenes. People were getting sick, screaming and crying. I turned my phone and texted Eddie and said that I thought we were going to crash and that I loved him.

The pilot attempted to land several times, we heard the landing gear come down but we saw nothing but clouds and fog out the window. Not even the blink of the runway lights. LaGuardia kept giving the clear for us to land (we had an amazing flight crew who kept us up-to-date on what was going on.) After being pushed back on the last attempt to land, the pilot came over the speaker system and told us that despite LaGuardia's insistence that we land he was taking us to Philly International (which was closer to home for me than NYC, but was not an option as the airline we flew did not have a gate at PHL.)

Our crew was wonderful. But the stress of our experience caused one flight attendant to have a heart attack. One of the girls I was traveling with passed out from a panic attack brought on by extreme pressure from the experience. They made the call over the system asking for all doctors and nurses to report to the back of the plane. An off-duty attendant who was flying home on the airline took over her duties. Helped find alternate transportation, got everyone free drinks and did what he could to calm everyone down.

I thought I was going to die. It wasn't until we touched down on the tarmac at the airport that I felt relieved. And it wasn't until Eddie got home (he was in NYC waiting to pick us up so he had to drive back to our house while my father-in-law picked me up at the police station in the Philly airport) that it hit me exactly how terrified I was. All I said for a half-an-hour, between the sobs, was 'I never thought I was going to see you again.'

I know that the experience was unique and that it was a result of the weather and not the very capable flight crew. There were other flights that had similar issues and all airports in or around New York were redirected. I know that tomorrow, when I get on the plane that I'll have a safe journey. I know that. That flight should not be what I base all future travel on. So tomorrow, I'll just remind myself that I'm going to have a wonderful vacation with my family and that everything is going to be just fine.

Please Mr(Ms?) Post Man!

I'm a celebrity gossip whore. I'll admit it. I'm really trying to get better. I completely stopped visiting websites by a certain Queen of All Media when I started to find his posts less about gossip and more about relentless bullying of, well. . .just about anybody. I occasionally find myself wandering over to Pink Is the New Blog as I find his gossip refreshing and not bullying at all. Plus, Trent blogs about his life which I find interesting and he is extremely gracious and real; something that is often lost in LaLa Land.

I used to, every Thursday at lunch, make my way to Target to pick up the Triumvirate of weekly magazines (US Weekly, People and InTouch) when it dawned on me that I could save a LOT of money if I just subscribed to the blasted magazines. Who was I kidding, I was hooked. For the longest time, it was perfect. I'd arrive home on Thursday, snuggle in after dinner and read all the celebrity news fit to print.

Then a strange thing started to happen. I'd get two magazines on Thursday and one on Friday, maybe Saturday. Then one week I'd get People on Monday, US Weekly on Saturday and then nothing. Worried that maybe my magazine slipped between boxes or accidentally went to a neighbor (it's happened before), I'd find myself in Target or the grocery store picking up InTouch. But then on Wednesday the prior weeks InTouch would end up in my mailbox.

I found it odd though, that I was getting my magazines (and really, it rotated each week) nearly a week after publication date and the day before the next issue would hit the news stands. I pay for a subscription to save money and to get them on or before the date they hit the news stands. And now, I'm spending more money to replace the missing magazine. So out of curiosity I called Customer Service of each magazine. Each time, I was told the same story. They try their best to ship their issues as close to newsstand date as possible and that a one to two day delay can be expected but a week was completely out of the ordinary and should not be happening. Because, really, who wants to read week old news?

I suspected that perhaps my mail carrier or someone in the sorting line was perusing reading my magazines. Looking back, I've lost complete issues of monthly magazines and had to buy from the news stand or gotten copies that were so tattered and had complete pages missing or even pages dogeared.

Today, I found what I suspected, that I was in fact not the first reader of my magazines. As I was reading US Weekly, addressed to me, I happened upon a phone number written in red pen on one of the pages. At first I thought maybe this was something that is printed as part of the article. As I looked closer you could see the indentation from writing on the page behind it. I am LIVID.

Who the fuck do they think they are, stealing my mail?! If you're too cheap to buy the damn magazines - go to the fucking library. Hell, you can even have mine on Friday - AFTER I've read them first. Yes, in the end I get my magazines. But they're MINE, I don't want to read them a week late after you've gone through them. If you're doing that to my magazines, what else are you looking at?

So, added to my Monday To-Do List includes a call to the Post Master. Do I think they'll actually do something? Probably not, since there's no way to tell where in the process this borrowing theft occurs. But maybe this complaint will at least result in a little bit more monitoring and the timely delivery of my mail.

Friday Flip Off 11/19/10

A couple of blogs I follow Ash and MommaKiss do this, I figured why the hell not. I'm such a lemming, and a late follower. So, without further ado. . .

A big flip off to the man behind me in the theatre earlier this evening. Eddie decided it would be nice to come home with tickets to see Harry Potter before the crowds of people show up, so on his way home from school he picked up our tickets for the 4pm show. We hardly go to the theatre (I have difficulty sitting comfortably in one spot for long periods of time)so I was looking forward to the evening. I'm pretty tolerant of kids talking during movies, getting up and running to the bathroom and all that other stuff. I mean, they're kids, they're not doing it intentionally. What I don't like is adults who are inconsiderate. Every 5 minutes throughout the movie I hear what can only be described as Snuffulupagus with a runny nose. Look. I know it's cold and flu season and sometimes we get runny noses. But seriously, bring tissues if you're nose is running like a faucet or go grab some napkins or something. Nobody wants to hear your nasal juices being forcibly sucked back into your body. Even better, do us healthy people a favor and stay home til you feel better. Harry Potter will still be there when you're able to contain your snot inside your body. Nobody wants to get what you have.

A big flip off to seat kickers. Yeah, Snot Man is also a seat kicker. There is nothing more aggravating than sitting in front of someone who can't sit still. If you are too tall to cram yourself into the row of chairs you need to sit on the aisle. There's nothing like watching a movie and being pushed back and forth by your fidgety feet.

Pretty trivial flip offs for a pretty boring week. But, it was enough to piss me off. No Friday Flip Off next week, I'll be in Sunny Key West. Hopefully with my feet in the sand a drink in my hand and the sun on my face. Or just drunk. I'll settle for that, too.

If you're gonna Flip, make sure you link!

Public Grope

Next Wednesday morning, way earlier than I'd like to be awake, I'll be going through security so I can board a plane and go on our family vacation. I'm prepared for the TSA 'Gate Rape' should they require to do one. What I'm NOT prepared for, the challenge I have now, is explaining what is going to happen to my 90-year-old grandmother who has difficulty standing and walking. Which will pretty much assure that she get the special treatment by TSA.

My 90-year-old grandmother who is the furthest thing from a terrorist. Who grew up in an age where touching someone meant so much more than it does now. She worries needlessly so my mom and I are purposefully not commenting on the news reports. But we're going to have to say something to her at some point. I don't want to wheel her right up and say 'surprise MM, you're getting groped for Thanksgiving.

It will get better. . .

At least, that's what Eddie tells me. I wish I was able to spring back like he did all these years ago. I guess the loss of a child is different for each parent. Eddie, who is so stoic can even come across as unphased. Me, broken into a million shards still not put back together correctly. I'm not getting any younger, as I've been told by family.

So I agree with Eddie. A compromise. We'll try. But we'll consider adoption as well. . . just in case. I worry that though I agree to try my body, or I suppose my mind, is still protesting. Something stressful as starting a family is one million times harder when you couldn't do it right the first time. (I know. . .knock it off, I have to quit blaming myself.)The more I think about it the more objections I come up with.

There's probably going to be some future posts because lets face it, I've got to get rid of these thoughts somehow. I'm trying so hard to be zen about this. I really don't want to make this entire blog about this sudden about face (though I suppose in my head it's not so sudden.) But there will probably be an occasional post, you know, just to keep my sanity. And please, feel free to derail those negative/scared posts if you catch them. Letting go is sometimes the hardest thing to do. I've done a good job of not letting go for many many years. Letting go doesn't mean not loving and I have to remind myself of that every day.

Where do I start?

This post has been sitting here for the better part of two weeks. Unpublished, waiting. I have dreams about it when I'm not online. I know it's here, it knows that it's here. And yet, I find myself unable to push the publish post button. I've 'written' what I want in my head but my fingers seem like phantom limbs as I attempt to type the words seem to be an alien language and nothing seems right. Because admitting this terrifies me to no end. And I've done so well (or maybe not?) by telling people 'not yet.'

I guess you could say that I'm a member of the club that no person ever really wants to be a part of. I'm the mother of a child who was not meant for this earth. My son, born early and with a diaphragmatic hernia, a genetic anomaly that would cost him his life. My son, who never came home in the short 5 months of his life. Whose only cry came the second he came into this earth and who was only ever able to be held 3 short times. My son, Gregory.

A mother by definition and yet not. Did it change the day he left this earth? I see children his age and wonder what he would be like. Would he be playing soccer like his mom or run like his dad? Would he be tearing apart our electronics with Eddie or reading a book like me? And yet it feels like my world stopped with his. Time stood still around me while it has progressed for everyone around me.

The cold steel grasp of fear grips me and I can't shake it. The rational part of my brain knows that the it is very unlikely that another child would have the same genetic anomaly. The logical part of my brain knows that everything will be fine. The emotional part won't move. It's loud and it's screaming over the parts of my brain that tell me it will be ok. I can't move forward and yet I want to.

fibrohaiku

fall has arrived
cold and rain bring changes
the pain will not cease