Identity Theft

As children, we dream about who we would be when we grow up. Doctor, Lawyer, Teacher, Super Hero, Princess. We go through life planning and preparing for our future, course correcting when needed but still keeping that childhood vision. Me, I wanted to be a dolphin trainer/teacher/doctor/lawyer/musician. By college, I honed in on exactly what it is I wanted to be and started the journey to realizing the grownup me.

What I didn't count on, what I didn't prepare for, was that at 33, I would find myself filling out paperwork for disability. This isn't me, this isn't the life I dreamed of. Someone Something has hijacked my life and taken over. This surely can't be my life, it can't be me. I have spent nearly two years going to doctors, trying therapies, taking more medicine than I have ever taken in my entire life until this point. All with the hopes that I would find a way to return back to work. I'll get better, I'll learn how to deal with it, put it behind me.

The problem with that is your brain may say go, go, go. Your body, on the other hand, will stop you cold in your tracks. My body did just that. It shut down and in a big way. I no longer had control over what was happening. In my head, I watched as I spun out of control, a slow burn that exploded on impact. It was unexpected, inevitable and horrifying. I barely recognize myself and I don't remember nearly an entire year of my life.

I've been told that fibromyalgia typically shows up this way. Mostly because after countless doctors appointments, tests, medicines and therapies you still feel no relief. So you begin to think it's all in your head, that it will go away. So I pushed myself to do better. I worked harder, more hours to overcome the sinking feeling of the world crumbling around you. I could have asked for help or said I was overwhelmed. I tried to not let it isolate me from the life that is happening around me. But over 5 years of no answers and more symptoms at some point you just. . . give up.

It was easier to not make plans. If you don't interact with people, you can't let them down by not being able to do something as simple as go to dinner. I allowed this thing to hold me hostage. I confided in virtual strangers because it was easier than letting someone close watch my downward spiral. Strangers can't hurt you the way the betrayal of a close friend can. It was minimizing the debris field of my life.

No,this is not me. Not who I planned to be. That's ok, because this doesn't have to stay me. Only I can determine who I really am and I refuse to let this be the deciding factor in my life.