I did it. I wrote my dad a letter. I don't think it made sense but I said everything I needed to say. I tried to write this letter so many times before in my head. I knew exactly what I was going to say. But when it came time to put pen to paper I couldn't exactly be accurate about how I was feeling.
It was like I was 16 years old again and I just rambled in these tangents. I repeated myself a lot. But I did it. It's done and it's going in the mail tomorrow morning. Regardless of what happens, I'll know that I said what I had to. I put into words what I felt and am feeling. It was all the words I could never say in person.
So it's up to him. I told him I wanted an honest relationship going forward and I wanted to get to know him, and more than superficially. I don't want my dad to be a stranger any more. We can't change the past and we can't make it go away. All we have is now. I just hope that we can go forward and be honest with each other.
Showing posts with label stupid family issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stupid family issues. Show all posts
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
A Daughter's Anguish
Nobody better than me knows that Father's Day is fast approaching. More than others, this one is really bothering me. I haven't really talked to my dad since August of last year and that's a fair estimate. I know those who have lost a parent see the idiocy of my actions. But here's the thing. When your parents divorce, mainly the things that your father did before/during/after, sometimes death is easier.
My dad chose to leave. He chose to have limited contact with his two biological children and spend his time raising his step-children. When you see your father more invested in the lives of someone elses' kids when all you want is some kind of attention from him; your heart breaks in ways that you can't even begin to imagine. So yes, death would have been easier, it would not have been a choice that he made to leave us. I could grieve and know that it would get better. Rather, divorce is living death. You grieve when he's gone, you know that when you do see him you don't see your father but a stranger that looks like your dad and talks like your dad but isn't (maybe he's a zombie?).
I know that every time I see him that *I* put myself into those situations. I don't know if the reason everything is stalled when we see each other is because we're both afraid to resume life or start over. I won't deny that some of the things I did or some of the choices I made have hurt him too. I know that Dad still sees me as 16 years-old in so many ways. I can't fully explain the logic and reasoning in my head for the reasons that I'm still conflicted and in pain and why I let myself feel that way.
When he left, I was old enough to understand what was going on. My brother, on the other hand, did not. The day that he left, I made a promise to myself that I would protect my brother from what was going on. If I could deflect the pain and the shitiness of the situation; and I could help mom so that things didn't feel so lopsided that my brother would walk away relatively unscathed. I knew there would be times that I couldn't deflect the pain but if I could at least lessen what was there. Sometimes I feel like I failed him in that aspect.
I blame my dad for a lot of what we went through. I blame him for causing my mom pain by leaving, I blame him for turning our lives upside down, for hurting and letting down my brother and I blame him for walking away for reasons I still don't fully understand. And I blame him because it just doesn't go away or get better. Yes, I own some responsibility for that. And I don't know what to do to fix it.
I feel like I owe my dad an explanation for my silence. I can't fix this thing by myself. He's my father and deep down there is a biological connection that as much as I steel myself from the pain and disappointment, it never goes away. I ache to know that I am letting my father slip away. To go back to the past is always a mess. I don't think he fully understands what life was like when he was gone. What his actions, whether or not he thought would involve us, did and how they really did upend our lives and how in so many ways it still does.
I don't know where to go with this. When you deal with someone whose thoughtlessness caused so much pain, how do you go forward? I don't want to keep this living death going anymore. Walking away isn't working, it doesn't make everything better. Emotionally I can't, I'm emotionally stunted and I just don't have the energy to keep this up. I don't know how to make this relationship with my dad work so that not only I can move forward but so can my dad.
My dad chose to leave. He chose to have limited contact with his two biological children and spend his time raising his step-children. When you see your father more invested in the lives of someone elses' kids when all you want is some kind of attention from him; your heart breaks in ways that you can't even begin to imagine. So yes, death would have been easier, it would not have been a choice that he made to leave us. I could grieve and know that it would get better. Rather, divorce is living death. You grieve when he's gone, you know that when you do see him you don't see your father but a stranger that looks like your dad and talks like your dad but isn't (maybe he's a zombie?).
I know that every time I see him that *I* put myself into those situations. I don't know if the reason everything is stalled when we see each other is because we're both afraid to resume life or start over. I won't deny that some of the things I did or some of the choices I made have hurt him too. I know that Dad still sees me as 16 years-old in so many ways. I can't fully explain the logic and reasoning in my head for the reasons that I'm still conflicted and in pain and why I let myself feel that way.
When he left, I was old enough to understand what was going on. My brother, on the other hand, did not. The day that he left, I made a promise to myself that I would protect my brother from what was going on. If I could deflect the pain and the shitiness of the situation; and I could help mom so that things didn't feel so lopsided that my brother would walk away relatively unscathed. I knew there would be times that I couldn't deflect the pain but if I could at least lessen what was there. Sometimes I feel like I failed him in that aspect.
I blame my dad for a lot of what we went through. I blame him for causing my mom pain by leaving, I blame him for turning our lives upside down, for hurting and letting down my brother and I blame him for walking away for reasons I still don't fully understand. And I blame him because it just doesn't go away or get better. Yes, I own some responsibility for that. And I don't know what to do to fix it.
I feel like I owe my dad an explanation for my silence. I can't fix this thing by myself. He's my father and deep down there is a biological connection that as much as I steel myself from the pain and disappointment, it never goes away. I ache to know that I am letting my father slip away. To go back to the past is always a mess. I don't think he fully understands what life was like when he was gone. What his actions, whether or not he thought would involve us, did and how they really did upend our lives and how in so many ways it still does.
I don't know where to go with this. When you deal with someone whose thoughtlessness caused so much pain, how do you go forward? I don't want to keep this living death going anymore. Walking away isn't working, it doesn't make everything better. Emotionally I can't, I'm emotionally stunted and I just don't have the energy to keep this up. I don't know how to make this relationship with my dad work so that not only I can move forward but so can my dad.
Friday, June 4, 2010
It's My Party, I'll Cry if I Want To.
Unbeknownst to me, my body has decided to go on a sleep strike. Of all things. Sleep. Why not hunger. I could stand to lose the weight. But nooooo, sleep. Since a little before Memorial Day I've been trying to sleep. I got a couple days in, but I'm back to no sleep again. And yeah, I know, happy happy joy joy and all that bullshit.
Guess what, today I'm going to be a bitch and today I'm going to bitch about it because damnit, I want my sleep back. It's not even just being tired anymore. I now have the lovely buzzy electrical, thousand racing thoughts in my head, aching, twitching never getting comfortable no sleep pissing me off side effect of fibromyalgia. This buzzing sensation is so odd. It's like there are bees in me. And not in the cool Homer Simpson way either. I don't shoot them out when I talk so when I talk bees attack people. No, this is just buzzing around humming inside every cell. It's the creepiest feeling by far that I've encountered.
Forget about reading too. I either read a few pages and forget what I've read (which is VERY unlike me) or I can't get comfortable enough to read. I can't do anything with flower arranging because this buzzing humming has made my fingers near useless. As hard as I've tried arranging by mouth, people don't appreciate slobbered on arrangements. As much as you try, you can't sell them on the 'it's not slobber, it's dew' theory. So I've spent way too much time this week on the internet. I now play more games on Facebook than I care to that I know will involve way more time than I'd like to spend. Words and pictures just pass by my eyes online, the tv, books and magazines and they don't connect in my brain.
I know that when the weather gets better and it isn't storming or threatening to storm every day that I'll get some relief. But fuck, why can't it be now? I have thoughts in my head and I want to get them out but they stick there. I write and it doesn't sound right, not like me. I know, then don't write, but here's where I'm really stressing myself out. I haven't talked to my dad since last August. Among the bazillion other things that have happened since last summer until now; I made the choice to temporarily cut my dad out of my life.
We don't have the closest relationship to start with. But last summer, I really felt like my life was crashing down around me. And adding the stress of the holidays (stressful because I always have expectations of good holidays with him and the ever present dissapointment because I realize that my father is ultimately a stranger) I just had to cut something out and compartmentalize the things in my life that were crashing around me. So the Dad/Step-Family box has been in storage 5 miles away and out of my sight.
With father's day approaching and the looming fact that I at least owe my dad some kind of explanation of what is going on in my life, I know I have to get in contact with him somehow. The most passive way for me was to write him a letter. So what to say, 16 years of hurt and dissapointment have been buzzing around with the bees. These words are just floating around, fragmented and confused and I don't know how to put them together but I know that I have to.
I know that once I sleep I know that it will all come together. Will it magically make everything ok between my dad and I? I'm not getting my hopes up. It'll be done, I'll have said my peace and will know that was all I could do. If I could only read and relax and rid the buzzing humming tension and get a few days of good sleep, my mind will be so much better. I'll be able to focus on the good instead of the bad. So bear with me if it takes a post or two or three to get this shit out of my system.
Guess what, today I'm going to be a bitch and today I'm going to bitch about it because damnit, I want my sleep back. It's not even just being tired anymore. I now have the lovely buzzy electrical, thousand racing thoughts in my head, aching, twitching never getting comfortable no sleep pissing me off side effect of fibromyalgia. This buzzing sensation is so odd. It's like there are bees in me. And not in the cool Homer Simpson way either. I don't shoot them out when I talk so when I talk bees attack people. No, this is just buzzing around humming inside every cell. It's the creepiest feeling by far that I've encountered.
Forget about reading too. I either read a few pages and forget what I've read (which is VERY unlike me) or I can't get comfortable enough to read. I can't do anything with flower arranging because this buzzing humming has made my fingers near useless. As hard as I've tried arranging by mouth, people don't appreciate slobbered on arrangements. As much as you try, you can't sell them on the 'it's not slobber, it's dew' theory. So I've spent way too much time this week on the internet. I now play more games on Facebook than I care to that I know will involve way more time than I'd like to spend. Words and pictures just pass by my eyes online, the tv, books and magazines and they don't connect in my brain.
I know that when the weather gets better and it isn't storming or threatening to storm every day that I'll get some relief. But fuck, why can't it be now? I have thoughts in my head and I want to get them out but they stick there. I write and it doesn't sound right, not like me. I know, then don't write, but here's where I'm really stressing myself out. I haven't talked to my dad since last August. Among the bazillion other things that have happened since last summer until now; I made the choice to temporarily cut my dad out of my life.
We don't have the closest relationship to start with. But last summer, I really felt like my life was crashing down around me. And adding the stress of the holidays (stressful because I always have expectations of good holidays with him and the ever present dissapointment because I realize that my father is ultimately a stranger) I just had to cut something out and compartmentalize the things in my life that were crashing around me. So the Dad/Step-Family box has been in storage 5 miles away and out of my sight.
With father's day approaching and the looming fact that I at least owe my dad some kind of explanation of what is going on in my life, I know I have to get in contact with him somehow. The most passive way for me was to write him a letter. So what to say, 16 years of hurt and dissapointment have been buzzing around with the bees. These words are just floating around, fragmented and confused and I don't know how to put them together but I know that I have to.
I know that once I sleep I know that it will all come together. Will it magically make everything ok between my dad and I? I'm not getting my hopes up. It'll be done, I'll have said my peace and will know that was all I could do. If I could only read and relax and rid the buzzing humming tension and get a few days of good sleep, my mind will be so much better. I'll be able to focus on the good instead of the bad. So bear with me if it takes a post or two or three to get this shit out of my system.
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