I know, I know, I know. . .

Tuesday can't get here fast enough. After being told by my last counselor, that she didn't want to talk about the issues I'm having with fibromyalgia; I called my fibro doc and he recommended someone who specializes in pain, fatigue and fibromyalgia. I really need to talk to someone who understands this life-changing experience who understands what I'm going through. After a little over a month, I finally have my first appointment. I have to admit, it's been tough hanging in this long. I keep promising myself that I won't make this blog a woe is me pity party. But right now, this is my life. The good, bad, ugly and scary.

There is a very real possibility that Eddie is going to either have his classes cut by 50% or be furloughed because of the (evil) Genius Gov. Corbett's funding cuts to education. I'm not working because of the fibromyalgia. Both Eddie and I have pre-existing conditions so we NEED his insurance benefits. He already wants to get a 2nd part-time job until the disability situation is taken care of. He says, just in case. I can see the worry on his face. He tries to hide it because he knows that stress can aggravate the fibro. I hide my stress because he's already taken on so much responsibility. We're both trying to hold things together for the sake of each other, but we can't keep it up much longer. I know we're both close to running on empty.

I have this internal battle that I should just suck it up and get a job and when things calm down, I can stop working. Except, that's what led to everything falling apart in 9/09. Eddie, our family and my doctors don't think that's the best idea. I don't think I can be working while I file a claim for disability. So it's a double-edged sword. But what else can I do? I don't like the idea of Eddie working himself to the point of exhaustion. He can't, because he needs to take care of himself too. He volunteers this without hesitation; all the while, I feel like a horrible person for being the cause of all this. How can I do this to him?

So Tuesday can't get here fast enough. In my head the answers are there, it's just getting to them. I'm like a deer in the headlights and I need someone to help guide me in the right direction rather than focus on issues that have been hashed out and taken care of (at least for now.) And I promise, I'll get away from the morose posts once I'm back to myself.